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a sozo testimony  E-mail
Ailie Baumann | 02 September 2013
I used to be a Christian who loved Jesus passionately, read my Bible, prayed, did the Christian things until one day I read a statement that was simple but intensely intimate. This statement hit my heart like a huge meteor crashing into the earth's ground. Here it is

"Jesus is the kindest person I know." - Graham Cooke

In that moment my heart faced Jesus and with heartfelt desire cried out " I don't know that about you. I need to experience you, Jesus, as the kindest person." I was undone because I realized that I loved a God I didn't really know intimately. Did I know him, yes. Did I hear and see Him, yes. Did we have a relationship, yes but not a Love Affair. My heart began to ache for a Love Affair with the Lover of my Soul. It would take roughly 18 months to 2 years for this love affair to become a courtship.
I am not going to go into the details of what had to occur in that time because I believe it will detract from my purpose which is to entice you into a reality of His passionate love for you.  I knew what God had to say about Himself and me in the Bible but I didn't really know what He thought about me. Its one thing to be well-versed in the Bible which is powerful and important but its a completely higher dynamic and power in experiencing God and His love for you. It is nothing that I have ever experienced before. It  is gentle, tender, strong, secure, passionate love. When you encounter love, you are changed forever.

My crying pose at home is generally under a blanket, hugging a pillow or the blanket itself. In this position I allow myself to feel what is in my heart of which I have probably been resisting all day. It could be something small like a snide comment, a look that I read into, a song, movie or book.  It could be a deep pain because of some intense revelation that catches you so off guard. It could be a need that is not being met because the only person who can meet these needs is Jesus. Whatever it is that finds me with tears pouring down my face, I am found with my head buried on His chest where He holds me and says no words. In this vulnerable state I am not rejected instead I am held close and love is poured out on me as He kisses my hair and gives me the freedom to be. Through my tears healing balm massages my heart and the truth peaks into my despair like the sun rising in the morning until my heart is warmed and illuminated with truth. Truth that He understands even when others judge and feel baffled. Truth of His love and kindness. I have had many moments like this and with each one my Jesus opens my eyes to who He is and who I really am. With time the head knowledge of Papa God becomes a reality and I begin to live more and more in this reality. He is secure in who He is to such an extent that He loves me and accepts me even in my imperfections and humanness. He doesn't need my penance or performance He just wants me. You see Papa doesn't hold himself back from us because we have to reach a certain level of holy and righteousness or perfection. No its the other way round we hold back from Him because we see ourselves as unworthy and tainted. Its these lies that keep us from being in a Love Affair with the Lover of our Soul. The truth is that He sees you as holy, perfect, righteous, pure. That has always been his view of you. As this revelation began to sink into my heart, forgiveness became a moving stream in my life unlocking me from my own prison and bondage of deep pain and hurt. Forgiveness is very easy when you know truth of God and His love for you. I began to practice the presence of each member of the Trinity. Papa God became my protector, my source of strength, the exotic creator, the Father's look of delight and value. Holy Spirit became my helper, comforter, teacher, and oddly enough my blanket. Jesus became my lover, my kindred spirit, my friend. All three persons of God even though one became something deeper than a surface level relationship. Things became personal.  All of a sudden my walls, facades, and defenses began to come crashing down under the roar of His love. Somewhere a courage I didn't know I had rose up and I began to face my inner giants and pain with the main goal of embracing the entirety of Him. As long as I hid from myself I would never be able to live in Heaven whilst on earth. No this would not do. With courage and bravery as small as an ant I took Papa's hand and we walked together over a mountainous terrain and with forgiveness and truth shackle after shackle, chain after chain, I began to walk in freedom. Any demonic taunt or torment began to leave as their power fell away in the light of truth. I began to walk tall. I was transformed from timid mouse into a princess dressed in white robes, the King's signature ring on my finger, new boots, a scepter of peace that turned into a sword for war, a tiara on my head declaring my status of Royal. In my chest beats the Heart of Papa filled with the love of Jesus and over this Holy Spirit has branded me His Beloved. I wear a  necklace of two hearts joined together wholly. This is my truth. Truth that I have purpose. I am approved, sealed and marked as His. Truth that i have been given the King's authority. Truth that I am His best friend. As I have been radically transformed,Jesus transformed before me as did the rest of the Godhead. God became huge yet relevant. Nothing is too big for Him. I could ride in His hands or walk with my head on His chest and i was safe, protected. His very heartbeat could still my chaos bringing peace and stillness, guidance and surety. His smile became obvious and His joy imminent. His laughter rings with a melodic roar. His eyes are brown with green and flecks of lavender. He is the groom that prepares for the Bride dripping with love and honey. Saturated in frankincense and myrrh. He serves me living water which comes from Him. He is the source that never runs dry. This truth has become my reality. Subsequently I am experiencing Him in a way that is so deep I am often overwhelmed and faint with love. There have been times when I've wondered if I'm still in my room, in the car or at church. This fuels my desire to not withhold myself from Him but to tackle everything that holds me back from him. He must become my everything. I will only find myself in Him. This is the start of my courtship with the lover of my soul. Have I arrived not yet, its a journey. God has brought me healing, salvation, and deliverance. God has and is Sozoing me and in all of this I am Free in every aspect of life and every facet of myself. I can breathe and Be. This is love. This is freedom. This is grace.